Disco Balls
by Alien Emerald
Summary: The parody of Twilight that is in no way meant to be taken seriously. A short, abusive summary of all four books. Written by an author who strongly dislikes the series. 'Disco balls are smexi. Everyone's perfect. Let's skip through a medow.'
1. Basic Summary

**Disco Ball**

**He was so incredibly sparkly I thought I might actually die. My name is Bella…the Bella that has no personality whatsoever and trips over my own feet…and I am in love with a human disco ball.**

**XX**

**I in no way own any part of Twilight. Stephenie Mayer does. If I did, I would possibly shoot myself.**

**This story is meant to be humorous, and I am not trying to insult anyone in any way.**

**There is foul language and some hard to read parts.**

**YES, I DO know how to write, and this story is MEANT to have bad grammar and spelling, because the ENTIRE Twilight series had the same thing.**

**This is meant to be a PARODY and is in no way meant to be taken seriously.**

**I will take it down if too many people give me a bad time about it.**

**Enjoy.**

**Oh, and I'm not terribly funny, so sorry if this all seems horribly not-halarious.**

**XX**

He is the most perfect man I have ever met. His eyes shimmer like soft golden low-fat butter, his hair is greasy but very nice, and his skin is perfect. He is perfect. And smexy. I have never met a more smexier man than him.

I think my armpits smell, though, because he hates me for some reason. He says hi to me once. Then he TOTALLY won't stop following me around! It's getting reaaaaallly annoying.

He rescues me from these rapist guys, but I'm not afraid of them. I only care that this disco ball is sitting next to me. I am in no emotional trauma whatsoever.

(omgwhathecrapidon'tthinkiwilleverbethesamepersonagainimeanialmostgotraped!!!)

He basically flat-out tells me he's a disco ball. I don't even ask, but whatever. I'm in love with his smexiness.

So, these evil disco balls turn up and try to kill me. That doesn't really matter, though, because the author just wants to describe the disco ball's smexiness again.

(omgwtfstephmeyer?doesbeingrapedornearlykilledevenmatterinthisbook?whynotjustleaveouttheplotandjustfillitupwithedward'ssmexiness!?)

So, Edward's more smexi and he takes me to prom and almost bites me. I'm mad at him now because he didn't bite me.

**Book Two**

I was very chagrined today.

Edward was starting to attract attention. And because only I was aloud to have his attention, as he was MY disco ball, I was very very jealous. He didn't notice, though, because he couldn't read my thoughts. I was completely impenetrable to all vampire super powers…expect teeth. I was really wishing Edward would use his teeth soon.

But he was SOOOOO overprotective! He wouldn't even consider biting me! Even though all the girls just SWOON over him, always asking him to bite them, I am his one and only. If anyone is going to get bitten, it shall be me.

I try to look past Edward, but he's blocking my view as he is pressed against my nose. "Edward," I say, "you are being sooooo sweet."

I trip and fall (again) and he completely flips his lid. He's running around in circles like a mad man, trying to call for help, because he is apparently too busy to help me. I smile at his thoughtfulness. He is the sweetest 100-something year old man I've ever met. He's sooooo hott too.

He bends down and stares at me with gorgeous onyx eyes penetrating deep into my soul. "Bella," he says, his voice velvety and perfect, "I have to leave you. This accident has opened my eyes to everything. I must leave you now."

He literally rips out my heart and eats it before departing on his way. I fall immediately into depression. I am still on the floor.

Then this guy, who I know a little bit but isn't yet important to the story line, comes along and helps me up. He is rude and very self-absorbed, but he is also kind and sweet.

(althoughthiscompletelyconflictsinitselfstephmeyerhaswrittenatotalofONEcharacterthatactuallyhasapersonality)

I'm very sad still so I go and jump off a cliff. Then the disco ball's sister turns up and tells me that the disco ball is at a disco party! How unfair! So I go with her and slap my disco ball so hard he finally becomes mental again. Being totally overprotective once more, he takes me home.

**Book Three**

So more evil disco balls are on the loose. Whatever. I want to see my non-disco ball lover instead, and my disco ball is jealous. Whatever.

(basicallytheentirebookisaboutthejacobbellaedwardtriangleandsometimelaterthereisabattle)

So after the battle my disco ball wants me to marry him. I just want to have disco ball sex, so I decline. But he doesn't give in. So, I tell him that I want to become a disco ball and I want lots of sex. He agrees.

My non-disco ball friend is super-duper-uper mad. He runs after I tell him I love him, but that doesn't matter because my disco ball sparkles and he doesn't.

My disco ball wants to send me to college. Whatever. I'll never get in.

**Book Four**

(besideseveildemonbabiesthereisabsolutelynoconflictwhatsoeverinthisbooksogetoverthefactthatedwardandbellafinallyhadsex)

Me and my disco ball have a big shiny wedding that so uberly perfect every woman in the world is swooning over the sidelines. My non-disco ball friend shows up, but he doesn't matter anymore because I get lots of disco ball sex, and he gets kicked out of the uber-cool disco party/wedding/thingy.

Me and my disco ball lover go on a honey moon. He doesn't want to have disco ball sex, so he tries to take me on some dolphin bananza.

(atthispointiambeginningtobelievethatedwardisjustcompletelygayandhasbeentheentiretime)

I eventually convince him to have sex, but I don't even remember it because he nearly killed me.

(basicallyifyourboyfriendabusesrapesstalksandwantstokillyouitiscompletelyfinetowanttohavesexwithhimandgetmarried)

He bit a pillow.

(atTHISpointiamcompletelyconvincededwardisgaybecausenostraightpersonwouldtryandrapeapillow)

WHOOPS I'm pregnant, and this is a surprise to EVERYONE because apparently disco balls don't have ANY bodily fluids and absolutely NO working body parts.

(niceonestephmeyer)

I have a disco ball mutant baby, who is already so smart she knows over 20 languages before she is born. And math. She knows math too.

My non-disco ball lover falls in love with my mutant baby, even though she is only a day old.

I turn into a disco ball! Yay!

(butofcoursethathasbeentheentireplotoftheentireseriessothereisabsolutelynosuprisewhenthishappens)

So, apparently SOME people are mad that I have the most beautifulest baby in the whole wide WORLD and want to kill me and my disco ball family. So, they come along, and we all sit down and have a little chat about our feelings. I recommend some anti-disco-depressants, and is HAPPILY EVER FRIKIN AFTER!!!!  
(ofCOURSEeverythingworksouttobellasadvantagebecausetheauthorisjusttoodamnedlazytomakeanythingatallinteresting)

The End.

and lots more disco ball sex (without any more mutant babies!)

XX

**If I get too many flames for this, I WILL take it down! It was supposed to be humorous. Don't be cold, please.**

**-Alien**


	2. Ways to Annoy Edward

**Since I got so many INCREDIBLE reviews for the first one (most of which were from Twilight fans) I decided to continue.**

**Here is a few ways to annoy Edward Disco-Ball Cullen.**

**The next few chapters might be about other characters.**

**XX**

Tell him that he's a fictional character.

Tell him that only gay vampires sparkle.

Kick him really hard with steel-toed boots and tell him it didn't hurt. Claim that he's just weak.

Tell him that Jacob is the only real character in the entire series and that's exactly why everyone likes him better.

Tell him that over protectiveness is NOT, in any way shape or form, a flaw.

Repeatedly ask him if he ever gets uncomfortable when Bella gets her period.

Repeatedly ask him if _he _ever got his period.

Tell him that Carlisle is just gay, and he accidentally bit him during mating season.

Tell him that Bella is the only girl who deserves him. When he says thanks, say that it's because Bella's the only girl stupid enough to talk to him.

Say that lions eat lamb kabobs made out of stupid lambs.

Repeatedly poke him and ask why he isn't made out of cookies.

Ask to hang him up for a disco dance.

Ask why the HELL he decided to have bodily fluids the day Bella decided she wanted to have sex.

Tell him that the dolphins on the honeymoon island were eying him constantly.

Don't shower for a year (role in mud, garbage, crap, etc, as much as possible) and ask him if it hurts him most.

Ask him why Bella doesn't have a brain.

Ask him why his creator is a thesaurus rapist.

Tell him the deer don't like being eaten.

Tell him that 'vegetarianism' only applies to people who actually eat VEGETABLES.

Tell him that his version of vegetarianism goes against all the vegetarians who ever lived. Ever.

Tell him the only reason people read the books are because of him. When he says thanks, whisper really fast 'you should have learned, boy' and then tell him that he's gay.


End file.
